So you finally concluded that something must be done…
I get it. It’s not like anyone naturally wants to think that their loved one is dealing with any addiction, let alone a pornography addiction, which feels more embarrassing and loaded with negative consequences.
In this post, I will address the addict’s romantic partner. If you are a parent of a child who you suspect (or know) of being addicted to pornography, you will find some helpful words here too.
Still, when the addict is your child, there’s an added layer of the power difference there and your parental responsibilities, which need to be addressed in another post.
I will further assume that you are the woman, feeling disturbed by your boyfriend’s or husband’s porn habit. Don’t get me wrong, women can exhibit compulsive behaviors and develop behavioral addictions just as men do. But it seems that men are more prone to this problem.
So what can you do as a partner?
Let me put this as frankly as possible – not as much as you think!
Your partner needs to want to change. And change is difficult. And no one can do it for him. The first step in the recovery process is for him to recognize that he has a problem, and that is a complex issue for many addicts. A part of the addict still wants to believe that he’s got things under control.
However, this doesn’t mean that you should sit back and stick your head in the sand, waiting for him to reach out for professional help. Oh no. There are some very helpful things you can do too.
But before that, I want to make sure you understand that whatever you decide to do or not to do about your partner’s problem, you cannot fix him. He has to want it.
This includes noticing symptoms of porn addiction such as sexual dysfunction or emotional withdrawal symptoms. He will need to recognize all that.
And his decision to take responsibility for his life, or not to take it, has nothing to do with you.
This leads me to the first guideline…
Tip #1: Instead of Criticism, Educate Yourself
While of course, you are angry at your partner, and part of you wants him to pay for his deeds, in the long run, criticism will not help him. Open communication and a supportive environment play a vital role in helping him.
If he’s truly addicted (try asking him to take this test), then he is dealing with a mental health disorder.
And that means all kinds of things. So it would really help you to learn more about this problem, perhaps even attending support groups to hear from others with similar experiences.
Let me give you some important information off the bat:
- A major part of the issue of porn addiction is the extreme difficulty to stop. Or more accurately – to stay stopped for good. Addicts find themselves compelled to continue watching pornography despite KNOWING that they are harming relationships and other life functions. This compulsion is similar to the patterns in substance use disorders.
- Many addicts deal with immense feelings of shame and guilt. Not just because of the behavior. Many times, underlying issues such as low self-esteem and other forms of shame are present from earlier times in life. Addictive behaviors then develop as a way to try and self-soothe. Unfortunately, the addiction only soothes for a short while. In the long run, it usually reinforces the feelings of shame and worsens their emotional health.
- Therefore, your partner probably feels enough shame and guilt and self-criticism as it is. He doesn’t need more of that.
- Nonetheless, he should be held accountable for his behavior, not you. But in a matter-of-factly way, not in a hurtful or shaming way.
And again, let me acknowledge that you are human. No one can expect you to just be nice and supportive all the time. You have been hurt here.
But at the very same time, try to remind yourself that while your feelings are justified, attacking your partner will probably only escalate things between you.
Tip #2: Be Compassionate
I know this can be a stretch…
– “He’s watching gross things behind my back and betraying me and now I need to show him compassion?!”
You are right. If you are still feeling a lot of anger and hurt, no one can expect this from you.
But it’s important that you at least understand that compassion is crucial for your partner’s recovery, even if you don’t feel it towards him.
Long-term recovery is a journey, not a single event, and it requires ongoing support and compassion.
– “But how will compassion help him? He will only feel justified in his behavior. Maybe what he needs is a good slap in the face to wake him up!”
I hear that… but the fact is that research points in a completely different direction.
Let me explain.
As mentioned in the previous guideline, sex and porn addicts typically feel extremely high amounts of shame inside, leading to social isolation which in turn entrenches the shame even further.
Outwardly they may not show it. Some may seem indifferent, or even boastful and arrogant, but that’s just a way of protecting their very fragile self.
When I say “shame,” I am referring to a broad emotional experience that infests the whole being.
It is a constant sense of feeling worthless, or defective, or incompetent or inadequate. Or all put together.
And one of the best antidotes to shame is…. (drumroll please)
… COMPASSION.
In fact, addicts need a whole huge heap of compassion, provided repeatedly over a long time. It plays a crucial role in the recovery process and in their personal growth.
Therefore also mental health professionals who work with addicts must be deeply patient, empathetic, warm, and compassionate as a central part of any comprehensive approach to treatment (alongside necessary boundaries, which we will get to).
“Although I want you to get better and us to get better, I will no longer tolerate X behavior, it’s not ok, and our relationship will not be ok if it continues”.
Eventually, as I have seen it happen time and again, we hope that the addict can slowly internalize this compassion so that it becomes self-compassion, which he can give to himself.
Recovery means that the shame gradually decreases and morphs into a more stable confidence. Thereby, the need for porn as a self-medicating “drug” decreases as well.
Now, I know you came here to learn how to help your addict partner. But now, let me turn the tables on you a bit. Because changing your own patterns can also be extremely helpful in this process…
Tip #3: Shift Your Focus Inwards
Many partners of addicts find themselves focusing on the addict rather than on themselves. There are two common approaches to this coping strategy:
- Actively, by feeling very much dependent on what the addict does or does not do, and feeling compelled to “fix”, control or steer them in “the right direction.”
- Passively, by accommodating the addict’s ways and perhaps even pleasing him, all in the interest of keeping the peace and the somewhat comfortable status-quo at home.
Both of these strategies have been judged and criticized for years. The first is labeled as “codependent,” and the second is labeled as the “enabler”.
But these are two universal ways that anyone would use to protect themselves when dealing with an addicted partner.
The first, active strategy makes sense because you want your partner to get well. You are trying to make things better. So it seems sensible to be critical and push them to get better.
The second, passive strategy makes sense because you may have deep concerns about pointing out how things are terribly wrong. It means getting into a confrontation, into conflict, and allowing a lot of pain to surface.
Perhaps you are also concerned that the conflict may harm other family members. So accommodating addictive behaviors is a way of protecting yourself and your personal relationships.
Therefore your reactions are human and natural.
But, at the same time, I imagine you are paying a price for these strategies:
- By pushing, steering, or making repeated suggestions, we distance our loved ones even more.
- Whereas by turning a blind eye, accommodating, or minimizing the problem, we only buy into the harmful pattern and perpetuate it.
“SO WHAT THE HELL DO I DO ?!?”
First breath…. 🙂
Next, I suggest that rather than trying to fix or avoid your partner, try offering support in the ways we spoke about previously – reduce criticism, listen, and be compassionate.
But that is not enough…
Rather than focusing on your partner so much, try to focus more on your own needs and fulfill them. This is a crucial step that will eventually impact him too.
It is not easy to shift our focus inwards. In fact, it’s very tempting to continue looking at what my partner is doing wrong and highlight that. We all do that, but it’s not so helpful, and I want to push you gently to change.
Now, maybe it’s easy for you to recognize your own needs, but when we are so used to focusing on others, we tend not to be in touch with what’s happening inside ourselves.
By the way, many addicts are also misattuned with their inner world, but we’re focusing on you right now…
So, how can you get more in touch with yourself?
The key is to follow your emotional pain. This leads me to the next two sub-guidelines:
Tip #3.1: Look Inside – What Are You Feeling?
Perhaps it’s all one big knot of pain, and you feel confused. So let us try and slowly untangle the knot and figure out what’s happening inside.
I have a few guesses about what you may be feeling. Here are a few options:
- Anger and betrayal: “He chose to sexually connect with porn rather than with me.”
- Guilt: “Had I done or not done X, he would not have gone to porn and would have chosen me.”
- Shock and helplessness: “Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening to me, to us. What do I do now??”
- Hopelessness: “That’s it, this relationship is ruined for good.”
All of these feelings and any others make sense. Even though your partner is dealing with mental health issues, he needs to take responsibility for his actions.
And anyone in your place might feel these feelings. Recognizing these emotions is an important aspect of your emotional health.
But I imagine that these are not even the deepest emotional wounds.
At the bottom of it, perhaps you are feeling one of two painful emotions:
- Feeling unloved or abandoned or isolated and lonely. or –
- Feeling unseen, unappreciated, inadequate, or worthless in his eyes.
I imagine that these emotions stem from an experience with your partner but at the same time, they are familiar to you from way before this relationship.
So take the time to find these painful experiences inside and be curious about them, as they can give you so much information.
If you’re feeling hurt in any of these ways, do you know what you may need?
Tip #3.2: Emotional Needs & How to Meet Them
Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) is my preferred therapeutic approach and it highlights the emotional processes I’m talking about in this post, and how to move them along positively.
So coming back to the two types of deep pain covered above, usually what we need are the exact opposites – to feel connection and love, or acceptance, appreciation, and a healthy sense of worth.
So how do we get those?
One way is to get it from our partner. But in this case, I guess that ain’t happening right now…
The other way is to develop internal emotional support or emotional resilience.
Three emotions play a significant role in achieving a more resilient internal core:
- Self-Compassion
- Grief Over Loss
- Boundary-Making Assertive Anger
Let’s take a closer look at each of them:
Self-Compassion
Self-compassion might seem self-explanatory; we all know it’s crucial to be kind to ourselves, especially during challenging times.
However, it’s often easier said than done. As we’ve already spoken about earlier, when dealing with a partner’s compulsive pornography use, it’s common to experience a mix of negative feelings like betrayal, anger, and self-doubt.
These emotions can significantly impact your mental health and self-esteem.
When facing these emotions, you might find yourself thinking, “Am I overreacting to his porn habit? Shouldn’t I just suck it up and move on?”
Such thoughts often come from internalized messages we’ve received throughout our lives, dismissing our own needs and emotions.
Therefore, self-compassion may instead allow you to counter those messages with a deeply calming and empowering effect. It can help you:
- Acknowledge the impact that your partner’s behavior has had on your emotional health, rather than blow it off.
- Integrate painful parts of yourself rather than shutting them out.
- Validate your emotions and your needs without judgment, understanding that it’s natural to feel hurt or upset in this situation, without minimizing your needs for connection and appreciation.
- Soothe your pain while developing a sense of self-worth independent of your partner’s actions or recovery journey.
- Gradually feel more empowered and confident to steer your life in a positive direction.
Therefore, self-compassion fulfills the need to feel seen, appreciated, and valuable, even if your partner is unable to provide that. It’s a crucial step in protecting your emotional health and setting the stage for personal growth.
Grief for Losses
It might surprise you to hear that grief is an essential and productive emotion when dealing with behavioral addictions like pornography addiction in a partner.
Grieving helps you come to terms with losses of any kind. It can be the loss of a person, an object, a relationship or even of aspirations or a fantasy you had.
In our case, as you start to understand the negative consequences of your partner’s addiction, you might feel an underlying sense of loss — the loss of trust, intimacy, or of the romantic relationship you hoped for.
Grieving for these losses is an important aspect of both your partner’s recovery process and your own, because it allows you to:
- Process the betrayal and acknowledge the impact of the addiction on your life.
- Recognize and come to terms with the deeper losses related to your more painful emotions, namely, the loss of what seemed like an honestly loving and mutually respectful relationship.
- Gradually let go of the past and face the new reality, such as recognizing the signs of addiction and understanding that you both need help.
- Mobilizes you to move out of despair and actively seek the comfort you need in order to move ahead from this loss.
For these reasons, grief is very different from depression. Because it’s a productive emotion that allows you to move forward, as opposed to depression which is characterized by feeling stuck in an empty hole of despair.
So when you notice the welling up of sadness and grief in you – see if you can allow it to come and share it with someone you trust. That can be very comforting.
Assertive Anger
Once again, this may not make sense to you at first glance. Why would I promote anger? Isn’t anger generally bad?
Well, it depends on the type of anger.
Assertive or boundary-setting anger is very different from the initial anger you may feel at the betrayal. That anger is a kind of blaming anger. It includes rejecting, finger-pointing, and perhaps rage. It’s understandable but not productive.
In comparison, assertive anger is about asserting your worth and recognizing that you have the right to fulfill your needs regardless of the impact on your partner.
It is essentially a healthy sense of entitlement to your basic human needs. This form of anger can be a powerful tool in dealing with issues like pornography addiction.
When this type of anger emerges, it can help you:
- Decide to stop pleasing or obsessing about your partner and prioritize your own emotional health and well-being.
- Establish and maintain healthy boundaries in the relationship.
- Asserting yourself can be very empowering as it increases your self-confidence and validates your worth and needs.
Setting boundaries might involve having open and honest communication with your partner about his porn problem and how it affects your relationship.
It could also mean deciding what changes are necessary for the relationship to continue, including seeking professional help such as therapy sessions or group therapy.
An open and assertive statement may sound like this:
“Although I want you to get better and us to get better, I will no longer tolerate X behavior, it’s not ok, and our relationship will not be ok if it continues“.
In some cases, asserting boundaries might lead to tough decisions, including the possibility of separation. This is not always the outcome, but it is sometimes necessary to ensure your own mental health and well-being.
Conclusion: Finding the Necessary Support
Addressing the issue of porn addiction in a partner is a complex issue that can bring up a multitude of emotions. By trying to reduce your criticism and blame to a minimum, and increasing your understanding of his problems and compassion for them, you can be very helpful to him.
At the very same time, by focusing on self-compassion, grieving your losses, and using assertive anger to set boundaries, you can begin to reclaim your sense of self and emotional health within the relationship, and in more difficult cases you may decide you want out.
Holding both your partner’s need for compassion on the one hand and your own need for self-compassion and assertiveness on the other hand, is a complex task for anyone.
Therefore, if your partner or you are feeling overwhelmed, seeking professional treatment from mental health professionals can provide the supportive environment you need.
I suggest seeking therapists that incorporate evidence-based approaches such as Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT), Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and other treatment options that may incorporate compassion-focused techniques.
Other significant sources of recovery help are therapy support groups or twelve-step groups such as Sex Addicts Anonymous for your partner or S-Anon for you (there are at least 5 other sexually oriented 12-step fellowships out there).
The benefit of a group over individual treatment options is that it can also offer a safe space for sharing experiences and gaining insight from peers who understand what you and your partner are going through.
Remember, your feelings and needs are valid, and taking care of your emotional health is the most important thing.
Whether you decide to work on the relationship or take a different path, your recovery journey is about finding what’s right for you and ensuring you have the necessary support.
References:
- Gilliland, R., South, M., Carpenter, B. N., & Hardy, S. A. (2011). The Roles of Shame and Guilt in Hypersexual Behavior. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 18(1), 12–29. https://doi.org/10.1080/10720162.2011.551182
- Greenberg, L. S. (2015). Emotion-focused therapy: Coaching clients to work through their feelings (2nd ed.). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/14692-000
- Greenberg, L. S., Goldman, R. N., & (Eds.). (2019). Clinical handbook of emotion-focused therapy. (L. S. Greenberg & R. N. Goldman, Eds.). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000112-000
- Reid, R. C. (2010). Differentiating emotions in a sample of men in treatment for hypersexual behavior. Journal of Social Work Practice in the Addictions, 10(2), 197–213. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332561003769369
- Sassover, E., Abrahamovitch, Z., Amsel, Y., Halle, D., Mishan, Y., Efrati, Y., & Weinstein, A. (2023). A study on the relationship between shame, guilt, self-criticism and compulsive sexual behaviour disorder. Current Psychology, 42(10), 8347-8355. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-021-02188-3
